And Suddenly I know he is very, very gone.........
by Revolutiongirl1
Summary: Sailor Mars takes a look back at her past.....very sad, though it does explain a few thing. I may continue this if people ask me to....


And suddenly I know, he is very, very gone..  
  
By: Revolutiongirl  
  
Disclaimer: I am not the creator of Sailor Moon or any of her respective scouts.those would be the property of Naoko, of course.  
  
  
  
In the back of my mind, I have been waiting for him to come  
  
again. I don't think that anyone has realized that I am doing so,  
  
except for my comrades- but only because they are doing the same for  
  
their loves. The four of us are already bound by our queen, but this  
  
secret wish is something else we all share, hidden in our souls.  
  
Does our queen even realize? Can she know what we are waiting  
  
for? It would surprise me if she did. After all, the ones we are  
  
waiting for have been gone for millenia. She has been lucky with the  
  
one she loves, but we must wait for the day when they may be reborn.  
  
Why do we wait? We didn't really. At least, I didn't- not at  
  
first. I gave up looking for Mr. Right, and just had relationships.  
  
There had been boyfriends, and even lovers during our long vigil,  
  
during our duty... but they had never lasted, and had never been more  
  
than friends. I would have been bitter, except for the slight hope in  
  
my heart that I hadn't even realized was there.  
  
When did I realize that I was waiting for one who had died so  
  
long ago? It was when I had said goodbye to my latest, and last lover.  
  
He had not been angry- how could he be? After all, we are who we are,  
  
and I had never promised him anything. Instead, he said goodbye in a  
  
whisper, and told me that he had felt like a substitute for another.  
  
Then he gave me one final kiss, and hoped that I may find the one I am  
  
searching for.  
  
He could have become one of many faces that have started to  
  
blurin my memory, but what he said made me think. If he could see... I  
  
realized then that I had been trying to bury the memories in my mind.  
  
Just like Mako-chan had done so long ago, co-opting her memories of  
  
her love into another's face, I had done by ignoring it, trying to  
  
live on.  
  
Now, Mako-chan waits for her real sempai... she had realized  
  
long ago that she had merely substituted that human boy for the one  
  
she really wanted. The rest of us four had come to terms with it as  
  
well. After all, having nearly eternity to think about something makes  
  
it so that lying to yourself is not an option.  
  
I am looking at my home, the city that I have protected for  
  
centuries on end. The shining crystal is almost blinding to my eyes,  
  
but still, it is a peaceful sight. I think back to another place-  
  
where the crystal had also dazzled so, but on a different orbit  
  
entirely. My first home... where he and I had met.  
  
I wonder if our queen remembers it at all- the love her four  
  
senshi had had for her prince's guards. Her memories of that time are  
  
fuzzy, and are usually focused only on her prince. We, on the other  
  
hand, are not so lucky. At least, I am not. We have never discussed it  
  
amongstourselves, but I would guess that it is the same for all four  
  
of us- we can now remember all of it, but will not burden our queen  
  
with such...  
  
Even now, I can't help but remember how his eyes had shone, as  
  
he gazed upon my new dress, or the way his voice had been in perfect  
  
harmony with mine as we sang a ballad from the earth in honor of his  
  
prince's birthday. The way he had gazed at me, as if I had been the  
  
most important thing to him... He knew I felt the same- that I would  
  
sacrifice all for him. Sacrifice all, but my princess.  
  
When the deaths had happened- when my princess found the  
  
strength inside her to kill her love, and then had gratefully followed  
  
him to the grave- those moments were the darkest in my life. She- the  
  
center of my world- was gone. Beside me, I knew that he felt the same  
  
about his prince. We had been unthinking, raging demons, unstoppable  
  
killers.  
  
I saw him fall, an hour? a day later? I couldn't tell how long  
  
I had fought, only that I had sent many to their deaths. I saw him  
  
fall, but did not stop- could not stop. I went on, until too many  
  
tackled my exhausted body, and I died... I am glad that my queen does  
  
not know that, either. She never realized what her death had done to  
  
us, never knew how important she was to our lives, our sanity.  
  
The last image I have of that beautiful, dreamlike place is of  
  
his unseeing head being torn from his body, and coming to rest near my  
  
unmoving body. I made a promise to him that day. I promised that one  
  
day, we would meet again. That I would know him no matter what, and  
  
would never let ourselves part like this again.  
  
It was not a promise made in light, but neither was it one  
  
which I have fufilled. It hangs over my head, as I recall it, and I  
  
want to be able to make that wish come true. I wish I could I fufilled  
  
it, when I met him again- but somehow Beryl- no, Metallia- had managed  
  
to get them first. Managed to make them into her minions...  
  
At the time, how was I to know? He had been an enemy. A few  
  
half-remembered memories could not stop either of us from acting the  
  
way we did. He threatened me, and I killed him. Killed him- destroyed  
  
him with my flames. I don't remember what I felt, except that I had  
  
thought that he had been a monster- not human. Now...  
  
Now I know exactly who and what he was. Reincarnated, like us,  
  
into this time. Searching for their prince, they had found Beryl  
  
instead. Used and controlled, they were sent to destroy us, with their  
  
name a silent taunt at what Beryl had known- who and what they truly  
  
were. How she must have rejoiced at seeing us unwittingly destroy our  
  
loves!  
  
But I would not stop what I had done- not for all the wishes  
  
and wants of the world. He had been a threat to my princess, to me. No  
  
matter who he had been before, at that time, he had been an enemy- one  
  
who had to be stopped. But- there is always that little voice, who  
  
tells me that I could have neutralized him, if I had known- that I  
  
should have known, and could have attempted to destroy the control  
  
Beryl had had over him instead...  
  
That little voice will always speak at my self-recriminating  
  
heart, but I cannot listen to it. There are too many things that it  
  
could say to me... Instead, I stand up, looking at the sun come up  
  
from the eastern horizon. There is still hope, that he may come back,  
  
that they may all come back...  
  
Our king -no, he had still been Mamoru-san, then- came to us  
  
one night, and wished to speak to us. He told us that he had had a  
  
strange dream, of the Silver Millenium. Then he blushed, and asked  
  
whether we had been in love with his guards- if we had been lovers.  
  
At that, all four of us couldn't help but to stare at the  
  
ground, at anywhere other than his inquiring eyes, and nod. He stopped  
  
speaking for a moment, before asking us to forgive him. Mina-chan had  
  
been in what I call her "commander" mode- she took charge, and asked  
  
him to tell us why that was of any importance.  
  
He took out a box from inside his jacket, and opened it.  
  
Inside were four stones, looking considerably battered. No, not  
  
stones-semi-precious jewels... Jadeite, Nephrite, Zoisite, and  
  
Kunzite. Mina looked up at him in askance, wondering why he was  
  
showing us these, when he told us.  
  
He told us of how his four guards' spirits were within the  
  
stones of their name, and that they had been with him, guiding him and  
  
advising him. We were amazed- none of us had realized that such a  
  
thing had occured-though perhaps we should not have been surprised.  
  
Mamoru-san's psychic powers are very strong- probably stronger than my  
  
own.  
  
He spoke of how they had been his secret support- what we had  
  
been to Usagi, they had been to him, by their mere presence. That he  
  
had missed them, had wanted them by his side as they had been during  
  
the Silver Millenium. None of us had realized how much more he  
  
remembered of that time than Usagi, or us.  
  
When he started to speak of the distant past, our memories of  
  
that time crystalized as well. Memories of picnics, outings,  
  
competitions... all the little trivialities of everyday life came into  
  
our hearts, and the love that had gone with them. His relationship  
  
with our loves had been so close... not merely guards, but friends,  
  
companions.  
  
Then, he smiled sadly at our stricken faces. I think he  
  
realized how overwhelmed we must be... He apologized again, telling us  
  
that he had never realized that his selfishness had kept our loves  
  
away. Then, he did something none of us could have expected- he  
  
crushed the four stones,one after the other. How he managed to do so,  
  
I don't know... He must have used his powers. He tossed the dust into  
  
the wind, and then smiled at the four of us.  
  
He told us that someday, their spirits would come back,  
  
reincarnated to another life... Then, he walked away. Ami realized it  
  
first... she saw how difficult it must have been for him to do what he  
  
had done-release the spirits of his friends and protectors in the hope  
  
that one day, they would come back to him, and to us. Such a thing,  
  
for our happiness- that was when Mamoru became, not merely Usagi's  
  
prince, but ours as well.  
  
It has been so long, since that night. I kept from losing hope  
  
by trying to have other relationships- though how normal they could  
  
be, I don't know- after all, I am Sailor Mars- one of the personal  
  
defenders of Neo-Queen Selenity... But I tried, and managed, I  
  
suppose. All four of us dealt with it in our own way, and tried to  
  
wait, live.  
  
Will they come? Will he come back? I don't know... I just hope  
  
that he will. That they will come back to make our lives complete,  
  
because we will be waiting forever, if we have to. Our queen and king  
  
are not the only one to have their love written in fate's stars. Our  
  
love can last as long as their's...  
  
I know that we will meet again, Jadeite and I. Someday, he  
  
will come and I will tell him how much I love him, how I would never  
  
let him go again. Duty for my princess made it so we could not be  
  
together. But I won't let that happen again- never again. We'll be  
  
together, forever...  
  
But even as I promise this to myself, I find myself wondering.  
  
Could I put him above my queen? I look inside myself and find the  
  
answer...I am who I am, made so by long, hard years of service. I can  
  
never put anyone above Serenity, not even myself, or my love. He  
  
would know that too, if he were here- that is one of the reasons why I  
  
loved him.  
  
We both knew,and would know now if he were here, that we exist  
  
to serve and protect our special person. I look back at my life, and  
  
cannot regret. I have loved well, and still truly love only one. But  
  
my life's work is to guard my queen- to be her protector, her friend.  
  
I will not regret living my life the way I did, or the choices that I  
  
have made.  
  
Regret is merely a weakness- it does not serve any function  
  
for my duties, for my life. I can wait forever, if I must. He will  
  
come again and both of us will have our duty, and our love to keep us  
  
strong. Neither of us will fail in our task again... It is a promise I  
  
make in my heart. 


End file.
